who am I?

                                                                                                   Know me first !

 

My name is …. Actually I have a lot of names and nicknames, I don’t know which one I prefer or I like more. You can call me Hebatullah – my real name, by the way, or Heba, my  short name or Hoba, Hoby, Habosh or Boba.  Choose one. Actually I chose or created a name for myself by myself: “ Hobty “. I got so mad at one of my friends or a girl I thought was my friend when she was not. She’s not my friend anymore - because what I will tell is she’s not because a lot of things are piling up with our relationship.

She gives my name without asking me first, when she knew how much I like to be unique, she made a Facebook profile by my name “ Hobty”. I was shocked when I saw that and when I asked her what is that? She laughed and lied to my face telling me they call her cousin when it’s not true. I couldn’t believe it - how dare you? Lie to my face? And then do that to me. I don’t know if really I forgive her and to be honest I can’t forget that and a lot of things she did to me.

I know it sounds terrible but it’s me in the end.

 

What I am doing with my life?

Oh god, I don’t know yet what am I doing with my life but all I know is I am happy… My life changes seven times a day, I live a new adventure every moment. Even when I am at home all day without going out to the street interesting stuff happens. But for now all you need to know really is what I do. I am a baker in lovely bakery in Jordan called “ Boutique Bakery”. It’s weird for a lot of people especially since my background is Journalism.

 

So how did I become a baker? It’s a long long story, my friends, but like we said here “ everything in the right time a beautiful”.

 

When my ex boss decide to let me go, he was so nice, he told me how much sorry he was to see me go but I am in the wrong foot and it’s true I was. I still remember it very well when he told me “ I want to see you in my office in your free time”. I knew it, yes I knew, he will let me go. Something inside me in my heart, in my soul and my mind, a voice told me that the voice inside me told me everything will be okay and I need to be quiet and say nothing. I freezes I was between more than two voices how will it be okay? I just move from my host family house to my own room the room I rent. I maudlin front of him I was telling myself stop … stop crying don’t be pathetic you don’t need that everything will be okay. I left his office to hide in a cleaning room asking myself “ what can I do now? “ “ how can I help myself? “ and in that moment I told myself that actually I was singing in my mind “ I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gone give up (What?)
I'm not gone stop (What?)
I'm gone work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on surviving”  I wiped my tears when I was setting in the dark, I smiled to myself in that moment and I took a deep breath. I took all my things from there and I left.

 

Three months looking for a job from one place to other and every time no luck this is not what god wants for me. In these three months I was talking to God a lot about everything. I was pretty sure he would make me happy in the end he will give me a good job. In that time a lot of girls were asking me how I am sure god will make me happy? Why I am pretty sure he is there for me? Why I believe his there for me?? and in the right time the door will open for me.

I don’t know why? But all I know I have a choice to ask him first and ask everyone I know for help to find a job or the other choice to stop asking and  losing my good life I saw that for years a lot of kids and mature become addicted to drugs and alcohol because they don’t know how to ask for help how to believe that after everything bad a good things comes. And everything in this life it’s hard to get to learn how to keep it good to learn how to make yourself happy. I can choose to be alcoholic but what after that? I will lose my beauty skin, eyes and mind. I will be a slave . god created me a free girl and I will not make myself slave to anything especial things like that.

After three month looking for a job one of my friends asked me why I don’t be a sales girl cause I know how to tell stories about everything and how I  can make everything looks beautiful, after this conversation she tagged me in ad on facebook. Someone post they needing for a sales for someone want to work there. When I saw the ad I didn’t feel interested, to be honest I didn’t want to call them I was thinking in that time about the money how much they will give me? And if really I want to work there, I didn’t want to work there I didn’t want to be sales girl I didn’t want to work for costumers, but I called them cause my friend post me and I promise her I will call them.

I did I call the number, I found a foreign lady answered me asking how she can help me? Then we decide when we can meet. I was so happy because she’s not Jordanian I will get pay if I work with her but I still I don’t wanna work there until I met her.

The moment I saw her out the bakery, the moment I saw the bakery those flowers this mirror, the moment I set in her chair I felt cool and clam, I felt relax but also I felt scared I felt nerves I felt tired, tired for looking for a job. When we start talking I heard music telling me this is my new place. She question me a lot about food, where I coming from?, my Experiences, my last job, and food. I remember that she asked me about “ quiche “ I was asking myself what is that? The funny thing here I ate quiche before 100 times in Egypt but I never know the name a lot of thing I don’t know they names maybe because I don’t ask a lot like the names not importuned to me no it’s really important in this life but not really too me.

When she asked my about quiche I talked about something else and I start telling her how my friends loves my food and my lonely video for my BFF Basma helped me a lot.

The interview finished I went home and I was so scared I need to find a job. She didn’t tell me if I will work with her or not she said to me “ I need to talk to my partner” so I felt down when I get out her bakery I knew it I will not working there, so I kept looking for a job.

Someone of my friends talked to a good man here about me to help me to find a job and the man he do it his best, send me from interview to other and every interview piece of shit.  in this moment I hate religions and I start asking myself how this people obey for God? Everyone talk about Islam and Christianity when they do nothing from God words. I read before an article for a Jewish Yamani writer before talking about the people inviting her to Islam for people asking her to obey Islam when they are not. In her article talked about Mohamed and how he makes a Jew man become a Muslim and she start asking Muslims “ Mohamed gives honor to this man what you will give the Jew today?”  I was thinking about this question a lot what they will give themselves before the Jewish and Christians? Nothing.

This guy he was talking about how much the media it’s not a good environment for a girl to work there. Especially if she is not warring Hejab, I looked to him and I asked him “ how you want from a girl like me to not sale herself ? how do you want from a girl like me when she is here asking for a job for any job a job I can give all my heart and my power a job they will not let me go after while because I need long time to learn… how do you want me to believe in your religion and your God when I see that you don’t obey?” this the simple thing in Islam giving … and all I was asking for a Job. I was knocking on every door and I met a man from the muslim brotherhood. His even not Egyptian and I am not egyptian I just lived there and I speak they dialog not  more not les. In that interview he start it with asked about my back ground so I talked to him about my works in Egypt before and in one moment I don’t know how? He start calling me “ folol”. I tried 100 times to explain to him this world for Egyptian people who want Mubark still there it’s not letated  to any member of Muslim brotherhood and what’s going on in Egypt now it’s not my business or his business. This interview was the worst ever I shot in his face and I was almost will cry but I didn’t.

In that time everyone was asking me how I life? From where I get money? Especial the people interview me. This man he was only want to know how I got money to survive, and he asked me this “ are you sure you don’t do anything wrong ?”  I looked to him with all anger on my eyes. I told him “ if I am a bitch what I am doing here? Why I will ask for a job ? “ in this moment I wished if I am slat if I can sale myself very easy if I can do like this girls I will be rich. also I will have a lot of sex even I can have a lover a rich man has problems with his wife I can used him. But it’s not me. This is not me. I don’t like to use anyone I don’t like this things. I am looking for love not fake life .

 

After few days when I was crying in my bed I got a massage from the bakery telling me tomorrow she will let me know when and where my kitchen test . I start calling her like a crazy I thought she wrote it’s tomorrow and I didn’t what should I do?? How it’s will work? But she didn’t answer. I felt like my heart with stop in any moment now until she send for me a massage telling me” tomorrow I will test you”.

 

 

                                                                                                                   Tomorrow

 

I woke up so tired, so nervous. I was so sure I will not get the job, you will not believe that in my deep I knew I am a bad cook I was wonder how people and my friends like’s my food? Are they sure? I start believe on myself lately.

 

I reset the massage. It’s mix feeling happy, sad, joy and scared all of that in the same time.

 

I went to her bakery, order me to make 2 saver thing can work in her bakery quiche and sandwich. I didn’t know what to do, my mind was busy with a lot of things talking to god talking to myself remembering every interview and how its done, remembering how I was so sad without work remembering my rent.

 

I was talking to god “ God what should I do? God what is that Quiche? How can I make it? God can you please help me? Can you please help me to get this job? If this not the door I should walked in tell me now. I am not ready for any heartache.  Then I sent massage to a guy I was dating him in that time, I asked him how we make the quiche? His answer me back “ I don’t know … what is that? “ I was so nerves and angry “ google it” after 20 mints his sent for me a massage with the resebe without the grams “ egg+ butter + flour”. I was looking to it “ that’s all?” how much I should pot ?

I tried my luck and she love it … I made for her a potato’s quiche. It was really good and 2 tuna sandwich.

Then I got it … I will start next week.

 

I went back home jumping .. the joy full my heart … felt relax then I remember that how I will go to my work? I don’t have money again I went to ask some people for help to give me some money to bay my rent and to go to work.

 

In that night I promised myself if I got a lot of money in future and I got my own project I will give my employ the money in the beginning of the month, I don’t want anyone life the same Experian’s.

 

I was teaching Arabic class after noon everyday to get money for taxis only.. I didn’t think about the food I didn’t think about anything I just focus on my work.

 

In that time I had Algerian flat mate the worst flat mate ever. I met her through a friend. I didn’t understand why she’s here in Jordan when she’d came in the begging to visit her BFF then her BFF and her they are not friends anymore because of guy. then I moved to live with the people who host her … I was they flat mate I told them she will bay from my back she had a deal with them she will not bay I didn’t know anything about this deal and I thought my flat mate’s want to let her pay anything because she’s just here for short time.

 

Thanks God she’s gone now the funny thing a lot of people met her here and no one want her come back in future you will know why?